me before I type out affect or effect
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I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them