Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.