I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
fired
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy