Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
You Might Also Like
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again