My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.