Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
That’s what I call a flat tire
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I have two kinds of followers
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.