A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.