Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
#Caturday
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.