her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*googles how the hell I ended up here*