PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.