I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Happens to everyone.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.