Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
A leaf blower, but for people.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.