Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog