I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Finally, an instrument I can play!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.