ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam