“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I like donuts.
Twitter:
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.