The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
You Might Also Like
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.