A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! š
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me to my kids: donāt ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: itās chicken
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients youād never eat together. Itās always like āBasil and Butterscotchā or āHoney and Clam.ā
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
āSiri, show me justifiable homicide.ā
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When you say marriedā¦ Do you mean married marriedā¦ or just married?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
what kind of cook setting is this??
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool sceneā¦my day was decent
Cellphones have two brightness settings: ādimā and āthe messiah is backā
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, heād bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, Iāll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?