Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.