Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
This is the best one I’ve seen
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure