I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.