Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa