I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Spa day..😅
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
had to share :’)
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.