me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.