I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
sleeping beauty
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Cat is stressing him out.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!