Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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what could possibly go wrong?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
wtf is an acronym
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.