I don’t know what to do
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…