I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Breakfast for Stoners:
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Bed should get ready for ME