*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.