[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I hope it’s French Onion!
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos