I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?