Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
podcasts
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.