Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
are there any atheist mantises?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.