Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
do u think theres a butter planet?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion