A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
then why did i get this email
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.