Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Become ungovernable.