Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If only.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet