All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Goodnight 🐶
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.