Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.