FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.