I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago