[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Brother?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”