I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
You Might Also Like
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I love you…
…r dog.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.