People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
File under excellent bookstore names.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.