Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My kitchen overserved me.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe