My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
WHO DID THIS?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”