when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses