me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.