You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You Might Also Like
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
British people be like I’m Bri ish
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.