I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?